i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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