First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
