She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
