I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
