His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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