My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
