halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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