Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You may now shotgun with the bride
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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