Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
