ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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