I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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