you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
