She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
