I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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