Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
