false alarm. still invincible.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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