so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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