I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
