life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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