my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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