see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
