Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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