Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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