Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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