everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
