yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
