oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
