Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
3 2 1 whiskey
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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