I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
