Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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