Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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