i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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