My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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