ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Randomize
