we're chasing vodka with high fives
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
