Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
