why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
