im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
