Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize
