At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
