Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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