Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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