she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
