He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
