If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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