I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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