I think I won the penis lottery.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
