i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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