Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
