I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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