I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
