i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
